Regular jobs are so boring compared to fictional jobs. Oh, you tweet for the student union of a Big 12 university?* Yeah well I’M A WIZARD. Though to be fair, books jobs often come with a unique set of downsides, particularly the fantasy ones. Apply here to be the long-lost queen! Except your kingdom has been taken over by warmongers and nobody knows who you are, and you’re probably an insecure, unskilled teenage girl! I hope you enjoy the classified ads for my Top 5 fictional jobs!

1. Librarian (with a capital L!)  |  The Invisible Library by Genevieve Cogman

Seeking book lover to retrieve unique volumes for interdimensional Library with single-minded devotion. Must be willing to sever all ties with their world of birth and employ methods of questionable legality in service of the larger objective. No prior experience required, as all training is conducted in an environment where time does not pass. Selected applicants will receive a swag tattoo and the ability to speak a world-bending Language. Humans and dragons welcome, Fae need not apply.

Excuse me, where may I fling my resume?

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2. The Doctor’s Companion  |  Doctor Who

Seeking basically anyone willing to throw their lot in with a madman in a box. Must be willing to cross the universe at the drop of a hat with no regard for prior commitments. Running prowess helpful but can be obtained on the job. No minimum education requirements, as past candidates have ranged from doctors to kiss-o-grams. Traditionally female, but open to change and willing to bring idiotic boyfriend/fiancé/husband along.

If you think this is only a TV show, you would be WRONG! There are lots of novels that have entirely different adventures from the TV series, plus a series of 12 kids books inspired by the Mr. Men titles supposedly arriving this spring.

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3. NASA PR Director  |  The Martian by Andy Wier

Seeking unflappable spokesperson capable of assuaging the world’s fears for upwards of two years with little to no evidence to go on. Must be willing to wrangle hordes of scientist-types who are completely oblivious about what it takes to craft a positive public image. Potty mouth acceptable as long as it stays behind-the-scenes. Should not expect to receive a decent headshot of your subject.

JK LOL YOU COULD NOT PAY ME ENOUGH TO DO THIS JOB. If you haven’t read The Martian, know that it is grade-A hilarious and completely worth a day of your life, because you’ll get sucked in and read it that quickly. And don’t feel bad if you mostly skim the sciency parts, because I certainly didn’t pick up a book so somebody could make me think about math. My math-major Dad Unit is scoffing in righteous indignation right now.

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4. Abhorsen  |  Abhorsen series by Garth Nix

Seeking brave individual to banish the restless dead back through the nine gates of Death. Magical bells provided along with a creepy career guidebook. Necromantic ancestry required, though the legitimacy of the union is irrelevant. Work will be largely accomplished alone with occasional aid and companionship provided by a sassy cat who may also be a demon. Fishing skills a plus for placating the cat. Whiny princes may retreat to a corner to mope about how they don’t want the job.

Personally, the Old Kingdom seems really cold and I don’t know if I want to deal with that. I’ll be searching for some other job under a mound of blankets.

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5. Member of Rhysand’s Inner Circle  |  A Court of Mist and Fury  by Sarah J. Maas

Seeking Fae to join in clandestine saving of the world. Will encounter much peril, but salary is basically a blank check, with added bonus of preventing universal conquest by ancient evil forces. Must be able to put up with brooding supervisor who may postpone meetings to engage in “activities” with his lady friend. Wings and/or winnowing capabilities helpful. Ability to annoy the blonde springy one a definite plus.

Charlie Bowater makes THE BEST fan art. Best. If you didn’t know, the upcoming cover of A Court of Wings and Ruin is inspired by one of her pieces, and she’s contributing to the Court of Thorns and Roses coloring book. Hands up if you wish it was May already!

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By Charlie Bowater, obvs.

If you need me, I’ll be sitting by the phone waiting for my interview calls. What fictional jobs would you apply for?

*My actual job, though grossly oversimplified. “Social media and web manager” sounds way better, and it really is extremely fun.

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